Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time… Finally! I look forward to this day all year! My grandma used to call it Happy Day. We’d get clocks and candy and tell the ceremonial scary stories of Day-After-Tardiness. Grandma would dance around the house changing clocks and singing the clock song. “Tick tick tock. Tick tock tack. You spring forward, I fall back!” I fell forward once, and she smacked me in the ear. “Central time now is Mountain, Fuck up again an’ you’ll get a poundin’!”

Boy, her leprosy sure has changed things. Now I get to set the clocks because she has no arms. “Back an hour, move that clock. If you touch me, your skin falls off.” Ugh. The presents aren’t as good either. “Thanks grandma, but I already have two ears.” At least my sister got some new boobs out of the deal.

There sure are a lot of clocks to change in this house. Gotta get ‘em all though. I don’t want to end up like tardy Maurice who came to church an hour late. Winding up alone, unemployed, with terrible heartburn, all because he forgot to reset the VCR! Spooky. Grandma herself doesn’t celebrate with her old gin soaked vigor. “D-S-T, please help me, I’m not a monster, WHY WON’T YOU LOOK AT ME?” She sure is blunt. That’s probably why I stopped taking her calls.