Any Publicity is Good Publicity

I’ve had a tough go of it recently. I’m driving downtown, waiting for that KNX traffic report tone that they apparently threatened to change (DOO-DOO-DOO-doo-doo-doo-DOO-DOO-DOO-doo-doo-doo), when I hear that Judge Alito does not believe in abortion. Well, I think he believes it could happen. I don’t think he doesn’t believe in the existence of abortion. To the contrary I think he thinks it happens a lot. Which makes me wonder, why haven’t I gotten one? I’ve never even been knocked up. And I drive a pretty sweet ride, the sorta ride that should get someone pregnant. And my girlfriend drives a van, so if I were to conceive we’d have the ride to get the kid to and from soccer practice with all his little annoying little buddies. I hope none of them see Deuces Wild. That was an embarrassment.

I then hear from the newscaster Howard Dean does not support Judge Alito. Which confuses me. I mean, isn’t he just a hothead with a penchant for screaming at crowds of his own supporters? Wouldn’t he support not believing in abortions? If he could wish abortion away through thought and faith then wouldn’t he have bigger crowds to yell at? It’s at this point that I get flipped off by some jackass in a Yukon. He should’ve signaled if he didn’t want me to merge in front of him. Oh wait. I should have signaled. Well fuck him. Where was I?

Oh yeah, I’m confused about this whole Supreme Court thing. Plus, I think the confirmation hearings are preempting the traffic report. I mean it is bump and grind on the 101 all the way downtown, but I have no idea how bump and grind. Maybe I should become a Scientologist. God traffic sucks. Although it’s not like I know any other routes downtown anyways. I heard that if you take Vermont far enough and then hang a right on something, Pico maybe, you run into the Staples Center. Maybe not. I could not hate Howard Dean more right now. And his abortion related beliefs. I think I would vote Republican next year.

Now I’m passing the BA Self Storage place at about 12 miles per hour. Shocking. I haven’t ever passed it anywhere near the speed limit once in my life. It’s where open road goes to die. That’s a nice title for my autobiographical screenplay. Brad’s Life: Where Open Road Goes to Die. Nah, too wordy. This one time I was leaving a club at like 4 in the morning, and we roll by the self storage place, and I’m tripping out of my skull, and we’re rolling at like 12 miles an hour. 12 miles an hour at 4 in the morning! That’s absurd! I easily should have been able to go 50 at that hour. Which is exactly what the CHP officer told me when he threw me in his squad car. So I can’t really vote. Well, that and I tried to hotwire a yacht. Spring Break, Fort Lauderdale, ‘99. We’d have pulled it off too, but we forgot to untie it from the dock. I was wasted. Good times.

But I still have an opinion on this court stuff, and the guy from Vermont is pissing me off. First of all, who is he to ask questions? I have questions too, and I don’t get to ask anyone. Where have all the cowboys gone? Are we alone in the universe? Why is Keanu a bigger star than me? Nobody will even take my calls. Second, does Vermont really deserve to ask the same amount of questions as other states? No. Howard Dean should only get one question. Wait, this isn’t even Howard Dean. Who’s Pat Leahy? Why are there are two guys from Vermont?

Now I’m lost. My buddy told me that I’m meeting up with some guy named Bear in some alley around 7^th and Flower. I’ve never been to Skid Row before. Closest I’ve been was this USC party on frat row back in the day. After The Client came out. It was Tri-Delt Ho’s and Bitches ‘95. Pretty cool for a 15 year old huh? I was pretty cool then. Shit, I think I’m in Chinatown, or Phillapinotown… is there a Phillapinotown? I went the wrong way down Grand maybe? Oh no… it’s just one way. I hate downtown.

Didn’t I just pass 12^th street? I think the numbers just switched directions. So did my opinion on Alito. Kennedy makes some good points. Privacy is a right goddamn it. I don’t want anyone asking me what I’m doing, why I’m coming downtown, who Bear is… Who is this judge from New Jersey to tell me what is right or wrong? Back home in Tennessee we didn’t have to put up with any bullshit. The cops knew me there. I don’t think anyone recognizes me now. I’m “that guy” from “those things.” Sad Brad. So sad.

I wonder if this Ted Kennedy guy is related to Jaime Kennedy. Of the Jamie Kennedy Experience. I was kind of offered a guest spot on that. They shot a segment where they totally got me. To admit I have a drug problem. And herpes. And then I fucked a pony. A male pony. It would have been pretty embarrassing if that footage got out. Good thing they have to get you to sign a release. Good thing my parole officer was there to make sure I didn’t. I still think I should’ve let the Renfro name back out there. Any publicity is good publicity. Oh no… not my windshield. No washo! No washo! EL BIMMER NO WASHO!! Fuck. I just got this thing detailed. Is this guy Asian or Mexican? If they mate do they make Mexicasians? Didn’t have any of them in Knoxville. LA, what a bitch mistress.

Fuck KNX. I got this hot new playlist. Just, “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night,” by Corey Hart. Three hundred times. I totally feel his pain. My girlfriend bought me an iTrip now that I have a license again so I can listen to whatever I want. Technology is pretty great. Ah, here we are. This is the most beautiful alley in the world right now. I love heroine. God, I sound like a narc. “I love heroine?” But saying, “I love to ride the horse,” is just as lame. And, “I’m gonna smack my bitch up,” is so Eurotrash ’95. Maybe I should pick up something trendier. “I’m Brad Renfro, wanna roll on Meth then fuck?” That sounds pretty cool, but, no, no, that’s a bad idea. Heroine Heroine Heroine… is that a siren? Fuck.